Moment by moment

Yesterday I felt like shit. The day prior, I knew my anxiety levels were rising. I told my fellow roommates while we were all chilling in the living room that prior night. I tried going to bed. Got about two hours of sleep…

I woke up at about 6am on the dot, breathing heavy, running to the restroom, spitting blood (first time it’s happened since prior to my last blog post) and throwing up. On the plus side, the blood was much less than previous times. The entire day was rough though. I’m actually quite surprised that I’m feeling so much better today, even though I still feel on edge. But I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

I also feel frustrated. And I feel like the frustration is triggering the anxiety. To be honest, things have been going well lately. I got an authorized user on my credit, got several new trade-lines on the account, about to move on to the final step in acquiring this business, finally got approved for PUA, got several commission sketch requests, finished one of my best sketches of a close friend and her husband that I’ll give to them eventually, and so much more…

It’s not like everything is terrible. I think part of the frustration lies in trying to find that fine line in approaching issues and letting things go. But then there’s that part of me that just says, “trust the gut.” I have to be calm and patient.

Referencing blog post one, I still want to talk to the young lady I met up with in DC. It’s eating at me inside. It could be that we made an agreement to actually have a chat and it hasn’t happened. And I believe in keeping one’s word. I can’t force that, nor do I want to force it. Another part of me genuinely just wants to talk about things with her, because I care about her. I’m remaining calm and patient though. I guess I should reach out soon. Hopefully she’ll be receptive.

I was frustrated earlier in the week while trying to plan a business call, and the person going MIA. I didn’t freak out though. I stayed calm. And eventually we scheduled the call. It may seem like a simple thing, but I think the frustration here lies in, will this person keep their word as well? Which obviously, with a little patience they did.

There are other frustrations that I know were eating at me, I know exactly what they are, but I can’t seem to put them to words at the moment in a manner where I feel comfortable talking about each of them in a blog. So I won’t.

Trying to manage everything so I don’t die, well it’s been interesting. I’m glad I’m not spitting blood today. I can type without feeling absolutely horrible. When I first started to think on what I was going to write about a few days ago, the lingering thought was the whole George Floyd murder and the lack of understanding from most conservatives around profiling, privilege, and history. I haven’t really spoken on the topic in my blog. But every time I get around to making a blog post, I can’t seem to bring myself to talk on the topic yet.

This is just a really weird place. I can go from feeling like I’m going to physically die one day to calm and cool the next. There’s a lot of waiting for the right timing and being patient taking place. And I know that’s something I have to work on. And then, there’s this lingering feeling that if my body keeps going at this rate, I will die. So I want to make sure that I live these next few years at my absolute best. Maybe this sounds morbid. And I’m hoping to live a long life. But nothing is promised. I just have to remain calm, present, and focused.

There’s a Rumi quote, “Whatever purifies you is the right path, I will not try to define it… Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.”

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