Surrounded

I sit here, at nearly 2am, at peace. So let’s recap, I ended up driving to Virginia, fly to Florida, shut down happens, I fly back to Virginia (cuz I left my car and bunnies here), and shut down happens here. I meet up with one of the most amazing and stunning lady’s ever, next day I begin throwing up. I get sick. Post two, I begin to ask, “How real can I be?” Maybe this isn’t an appropriate question to ask. Because the reality is, I’m writing this for me. So who cares?! Post three, it was a letter to myself. I reflected on various traumas and pain points in my life and how I still performed at a world class level. I wrote a love letter to me. And here we are… I’m back to writing again!

I want to be very clear, there’s a difference between dwelling on the past and reflecting in a sense of autobiography, while sharing how I’ve overcome trauma. And I feel like I have every right to share my past and talk about things, while letting the story develop. And I have every right to say what I want in my blog. Yet I still paused, reflected, took a period of silence.

So yeah, I’m back in Virginia. I’ve been here since March. And I have this really strange love/hate relationship with Virginia. It’s tough. I wrestle with it. There’s so much shit that’s happened here. Yet there’s been so much good too. I could share why I despise this state. But I could also share why I love this state. Honestly, my history in Virginia is for a book, because I feel like there is much less of a chance of things being misunderstood and taken out of context, although I’m sure those that haven’t healed themselves will always find something to misunderstand.

Before leaving Arizona, I was looking into luxury apartments around Phoenix. And I wanted to get a place to myself. As I mentioned in blog post one, I decided against getting a place there. There’s much more to the story than I shared though. I took a period of silence… I sat on my decision for about three days, not talking to anyone, just going within. I felt a tug that I HAD to drive back to Virginia. There are many reasons why I felt like it was the best choice, but the one that I haven’t really mentioned to anyone is, I had a flash vision that there was a chance that I may end up getting stuck in Virginia, but it was necessary for some healing in this state that I oftentimes despise. I mentioned it to one person. That’s the thing though, I have to trust that feeling, because it’s almost always right.

I could mention how over the course of the past few weeks I’ve had bouts of coughing up blood and not able to sleep. I could mentioned how I’ve had a lot of strange paranormal experiences as of late. I could mention how I hit a bat and a finch while driving last week. I could mention how my bunnies are in much happier spirits themselves after going quite a few weeks showing depressed symptoms.

Yet in the past couple of days, I’ve felt a wave of peace over me. Part of trusting my gut/intuition is also recognizing that the entire universe is conspiring for me! I’ve been working through a Self Authoring Suite that I bought online, as well as formulated a mantra for the year after hashing through many major questions. One of the things that really stood out was writing out different states in my life where I was operating fully alive and in perfect flow and harmony. I wrote out what I was doing then that I’m not doing now. I also wrote out where I’d like to be and what this person that I am aspiring to would be doing that I’m not doing now… and I started making changes. I realized something though. After finishing one of Jane Goodall’s books, I reflected on a particular passage she mentioned for why she has hope for a better world. And I don’t know how to describe it, but I began to understand where Jordan Peterson was coming from in a message he was saying to his class in one of his lectures while referencing Jane Goodall. And it’s like a lightbulb clicked. Everything came full circle with the Mantra workshop and the questions about what I was doing in past cases and what I aspire to be doing. And I slowly began to feel something inside, this energy that is so familiar, but I hadn’t felt it in awhile.

And it was at that moment I realized, I have to be in Virginia. The flash vision was right. And everything’s been fine since. I haven’t coughed up blood since that moment. I physically feel my body healing. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s like I’ve had a re-awakening. 😂 And I have to allow the churning to take place for me to go to the next level.

And you know, I have to give a thanks to so many people! Since my focus is Virginia right now, I’ll keep the focus on Virginia people.

1. I want to give a thank you to Anna! She’s been one of my most loyal friends through the years. Thank you for your support and kindness! She’s defended me when rumors were spread, she’s checked on me when I was physically unwell, she was one of the first people to stop by my house when my brother died, she’s introduced me to so many amazing people, and she’s one of the few people that has always had my back. I appreciate you so much.

2. I want to give a thank you to Angela! Another person who’s known me since I first moved into town here in Williamsburg. She’s seen me at my absolute worst, seen me at my absolute best, knows stuff in my life that nobody else knows. Somehow we always seem to cross paths. She’s also one of my most loyal friends. I think it was maybe a week after coming back from DC and looking to move, I met up with Angela and we just talked about everything going on. And immediately she starts helping me brainstorm. And now we’re neighbors.

3. I want to give a thank you to Andre (Brooks)! Another person who’s known me forever. We met up a couple of weeks ago, and chatted for a few hours. When I first arrived back in town a few months ago, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Andre reminded me of a few things. I mentioned to a lady in DC about a story of me pointing to the sky and seeing a green ghostly meteor shoot down in front of me, well that was with Andre Brooks. When we met up recently, without even getting into details, he immediately told me, when we were hanging out and I’d have miracles and crazy experiences happening left and right, I was also talking differently. He reminded me of some of the things I would say, and asked me, “What changed?” Followed up with, “You have to start speaking things into existence.” He’s right, something did change. Angela noticed too. Cuz she said two nights ago, “It’s like the prodigal son’s returned 🤣. You all haven’t seen Andre when he’s healthy. This dude is anointed! Like you all have no idea what you’re in for.” And she’s right too. Something changed.

4. I want to thank Charles. When I first came back to Williamsburg, as soon as things started getting out of control, he and I met up and chatted at Kidsburg, as well as met up a few other times to chat some more. He’s known me for years. He’s seen some of the ups and downs, knows about a lot of the shit I’ve dealt with here, and has always been a major support. Charles is level headed, always gives reasonable advice, and is arguably one of the wisest men I know at conflict resolution.

And while I was thinking about naming a few more people, I feel inside that I have to stop here. These four stand out! Thank you all! 🙏

There’s a saying, if your life is in chaos, start bringing order to it with the simplest of tasks such as making your bed. And while this is great advice, I’ve been bringing order to everything, firstly making sure those that cannot take care of themselves are taken care of first (ie. my bunnies). I am happy to see that those two boys are in better spirits. They cost more than a damn car payment every month. But I love those two bunnies. I’ve been making sure everything is clean, straight and organized both in my room, car, household in general, my day is laid out, I have a morning and nightly routine, and there’s a silver lining slowly forming.

I’m one of the most spontaneous and adventurous people ever! It’s in me. I feel things so deeply, I way too analytical for my own good. Yet sometimes I close up and reflect. It’s healing. But it’s so much more than that. There are actual points in my life where I’ve done things and had things happen that are either at a world class level or flat out miracles and the craziest of phenomena. I feel that sense of flow… even as I write this, I feel that presence that I haven’t felt in years just in me, all around me, this strong energy.

It sounds crazy to think that I can go from coughing up blood one day, and the very next, my body just shifts to a different place. Oh, and I love Virginia! The people that’ve always been there for me, you all make this place amazing! I know there are people that’ve been amazing support and friends that I haven’t mentioned. You all are not forgotten either.

Before I conclude this post, I want to go back to touch on when I said, we’re all monsters. See, if you’re harmless, you’re not virtuous. You’re just harmless. You’re like a rabbit (like my two adorable bunnies 🐰 🐰). They can’t do anything except get eaten. They’re not virtuous. If you’re a monster, and you don’t act monstrously, then you’re virtuous. But to follow up my point, you also HAVE TO BE A MONSTER. We see this all the time. Harry Potter is like that. He’s flawed, he’s hurt, he’s got evil in him. He can talk to snakes. He breaks the rules all the time, all the time. He’s not obedient AT ALL, but he has good reason for breaking the rules. And if he couldn’t break the rules, him and his little clique of rule breaking troublemakers, if they didn’t break the rules, they wouldn’t attain the highest goal! It’s a very common mythological concept. The hero has to be a monster, but a controlled monster. Like a wild horse with a bit to its mouth. It’s the shadow idea. This is why less agreeable people are oftentimes the ones that are the most domineering, the most virtuous, and oftentimes, the ones that become the greats! Develop the monster within, heal the brokenness, and choose to not act monstrously!

Jane Goodall was asked, “How do you keep calm in the face of people committing massive atrocities?” She responded, “The aggressive approach simply doesn’t work. Try to reach gently into their hearts.”

It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you!

One Comment on “Surrounded

  1. Love it so true! And why God chooses broken, murderers, prostitutes.. etc who silenced those things of the past and pushed forward to winning the prize up ahead!!! Love that song too by the way! Glad your doing better.

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