So many thoughts are fighting to get out, so many things I want to cover, so many feelings that are bursting through my skin clawing for the right to be expressed upon these pages. Yeah, there are definitely topics I know that I plan to cover, but many of them I also know must be future posts a few weeks or even a few months down the line. So the early posts are probably going to be some of the most critical for this present moment.
Unfortunately, I believe there’s been a level of misunderstanding that’s been hovering around me through the years. I’m an enigma to most people. It’s hard to explain, but I believe I can express why I feel this way just as articulately as I express everything else. I believe it’s a key factor that’s made dating hard, that’s made it tough for people to understand me as friends, and so on. So how vulnerable can I really be? How much can I put my true thoughts and feelings on the line knowing that even if I explain certain truths, most of the readers still wouldn’t even believe me, let alone truly be able to handle it? For now, I’ll ease people in…
Self Awareness… Infancy… Consciousness… These are topics that I believe most think they understand, but they really don’t. For example, I remember my baby years. I remember more than anyone I personally know. I remember the lights upon being born. I remember suffocating in the hospital. I remember arguments my parents had, even understanding every word being said, and wondering why I couldn’t speak. I remember my dreams, thoughts, being bored in the crib, and trying to figure out a way to get out and explore (which I would climb out and fall regularly and end up going to the hospital). I seriously remember everything. The fact of the matter is, 99.9999% of people can never relate to this and 99.99% of people probably wouldn’t even believe me for saying it. In fact, I got into an argument on an UberFacts Instagram thread with thousands of people about this topic and ironically got a flood of messages from strangers in my inbox thanking me for my bravery because many of them remember it too and don’t talk about it because they get attacked. One member introduced me to a book called Self Aware where an author shares her personal story as well as the stories of hundreds more that were born self aware like myself.
Acceptance of new ideas is always attacked upfront. In our modern psychology world, our alleged scholars try to rationalize claims of self awareness at infancy by claiming that those that have such memories must’ve been told certain stories and are recalling the stories told to them as their own memories. And that’s fucking bullshit. It pisses me off and in my opinion makes it even harder to want to publicly talk about it because most of the world isn’t open enough to the possibility that there are exceptions to the rule. I don’t even talk to my family about most stuff like this, because they can be just as bad. So how real can I get?
How real can I be when I talk to people that I’m interested in if I know I’m putting everything on the line as far as who I am? How real can I be with my close friends about my own experiences when most of them haven’t even experienced .01% of the stuff I have? How real can I be about traumatic experiences that I’ve not only gone through, but overcome when my experience through the years has been victim blaming the victim? How real can I be about ghost stories, paranormal, and so on when we have one extreme of hyper religious that will try and burn me at the stake, we have another extreme of the hyper science that’ll crucify me, another extreme that gets so uncomfortable that they don’t even want to hear me out, and another extreme that believes in this stuff, but they fit it into a framework that I KNOW that I KNOW is bullshit based on PERSONAL EXPERIENCES as well as basic logic. It leaves me in a position that there are very few people that I can be fully real with. So I don’t talk… I keep most of my thoughts to myself. It’s hard.
The only person I know that could fully relate to how I felt was my older brother. THIS is why we were so close. He would have the same experiences. Sometimes we would have the exact same dream. We would see the same spirit. We would hear the same voice. We would sense the same thing in a person. And he was just as misunderstood by the world. My older brother is dead now, he was shot. And it’s hard to fully express my thoughts around the topic because there are some things I want to say, but I don’t believe people are ready for my full honesty on the topic. I do however plan to write a blog post dedicated to him, as well as share what happened as far as his death.
Nonetheless, I still share things here and there. I share just enough to bring healing to a broken world. When I share my stories, just like on Instagram, it empowers people that can relate, that’ve had similar experiences. The reality is, no matter how alone a person can feel about something, we are never truly alone.
This entire post may just be the hook to brace people for some of the stuff to come. And I know I wrote about PTSD in my first blog post, but I promise you, just because I deal with actual post traumatic stress doesn’t now negate anything else I say.
I feel as if there are some things I simply cannot keep inside. I was listening to a lecture by Jordan Peterson on developmental psychology, and I remember him saying, “Don’t die with the music still in you.” We need a purpose. Our positive emotion is linked to our pursuit of valuable goals. That’s how our brains are set up. We need positive goals to keep us from being unduly uncertain and anxious, because nothing is specified enough. And we need something to run away from. We can run away from the worst within us. We can escape the worst within us. And we can move towards the best in us.
This is why I plan to get everything out. It is a positive goal to not die with the music still in me. I feel like it is my duty to society to share my experiences, my stories, and the things I’ve overcome through the years, the demons inside that I’ve conquered, as well as the triumphs that can motivate others to keep going. And while the world may misunderstand me now, the picture will become very clear the more I write. This journey into my soul is a journey that may challenge every single reader, but it is also a journey of healing, of peace, and of love. The world needs more of that as much as I do.
“If people misunderstand you, don’t worry. It is your voice that they hear, but what goes through their mind is their own thoughts.” -Rumi
People see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. And people can only accept honesty from others at the level that they are honest with themselves.
Amidst all of the thoughts tossing and turning, that silent voice inside will be my guide…